Hi Autumn,

I’ve had a friends with benefits for a while but he is never around.  He always teases me that I must have a line up of guys waiting but I don’t.  I’ve tried a couple sex sites, and while there is a lot of interest, many of the guys want to meet right now and do the deed.  I’m not comfortable with that and would rather at least meet for coffee first.   Do you have any advice as to how to make this work?


Hi FWB-less,

If you’re going to be in a friends with benefits relationships you’ve got to accept the fact that there’s always going to be one person that has more power.  It’s not fair, but it is true, because one person is going to be more attached than the other.  At first it might not be that way but it is human nature to develop feelings towards people when sex is involved.

When I was in between long term relationships I had several FWB relationships.  They worked for a period of time.  But eventually, someone ended up wanted more.  Sometimes it was  me, sometimes it was him.  It was never both of us.

So, what to do about that?

Well, as far as I can see you have two options:

  1. Stop with the FWB stuff.
  2. Keep FWB relationships short term.

Now, if you decide to continue having FWB relationships, your question is where to find them.  That’s indeed the tough part.  I’ve also found that online dating sites don’t work very well.  They can work sometimes – I have friends who have made them work.  I think the key is to be clear in your profile that sex is not going to happen on the first meeting.  Be clear that you want to fuck someone you actually like – someone with a brain, someone that can make you laugh, someone that can hold a conversation – and that you won’t know if they are that person until you’ve actually had a chance to hang out a few times and see if it works.

The other option is that you actually have to get out there and meet people.  Join a sports team, go to parties, whatever is your thing – just get out there and do stuff.  You’ll meet people.  If you meet someone your attracted to, make sure they know that you are open to the idea of a fuck buddy.  Be subtle but let them know.  If they are interested they will come around.

Play Safe,