I’ve been having way too many days lately when I feel like my brain is all over the place. My brain feels like it is working on overtime and has had no sleep (although I am sleeping fine — please don’t be concerned). I feel like I have too many thoughts whirring around in there, so I figured getting them out is not the worst thing I could do right now. Then I’ll get down to some real work. Promise.
SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!
I am completely back on the sugar bandwagon again and it pisses me off. For multiple reasons.
First, I know that sugar is an addiction — it’s like fucking crack! And the more I have, the more I want. If it wasn’t fucking with me so much I wouldn’t even care. But it does…
Besides the fact that I’ve gained 20 lbs. over the last few months (basically everything I lost), I know that my brain is not functioning well with all the sugar. It makes the ball pit reappear. I’ve often tried to explain it to people by comparing my brain to a ball pit filled with toddlers, throwing balls around like insane little fools. Each ball is an idea. The toddlers are distractions, yelling and screaming and peeing in the ball pit and getting lost and…
Well, you get the idea. So, I seriously need to find a way to get off the sugar crack. Basically, I want to go back to keto because it is the only diet I’ve actually enjoyed (once I’m off the sugar crack) and had results and actually makes me feel better as a whole. I know it’s not for everyone. But it has worked for me.
Where, Oh Where, Has My Writing Mojo Gone?
Since I finished my first novel (for a client) earlier this month, I’ve been struggling like crazy to get the words out of my brain and on to the computer. I finally got going again yesterday and completed a commissioned story and a client story. But I have words to write today and I am having a hard time getting my brain to want to put the words out again.
I have so many things that I want to write. And I have client work to do, as well!
I am starting a new series that will be written as Autumn Seave. It’s different from anything I’ve ever done. And it’s a whole thing — a world. It’s science fiction (which I love) and reverse harem (which I’ve never done before but I read and it makes sense that I should write this seeing as I have two partners and I’m poly). I won’t go into all the details, but you can read about it on Medium.
I have short stories that I want to write for Medium.
I have a sweet romance series that I write under my real name and I have two more novellas to write to finish it off.
I have a cozy mystery series that is to be published under my real name that I’ve started but not finished the first part. But I even have the book covers made for this and I’d like to get them written and published. They are short stories and there will be at least three of them.
So much writing to do!
I need to find a way to get going again. It’s not for lack of time. It’s just — well, the ball pit makes it hard to concentrate.
I Love Loving More But…
I’m seeing two men right now. I love them both. They are so amazing. They are friends and I love seeing them together. I love seeing them separately. But sometimes all the love is exhausting.
I’m trying to find balance.
They are both so important to me.
The challenges of loving two men is that I can easily get lost in them. In thinking about them. In being with them. In making plans to be with them.
I have no intentions of ending either relationship. NONE! I enjoy them both too much.
But I need to find a way to focus when I’m not with them and find a balance so I don’t get lost in…well, lost in love.
Planning to Make Plans
I haven’t been using my planner very much lately. I haven’t been making my lists (and since I don’t make them, I have nothing to follow). That makes me feel very lost and misdirected. Undirected? Directionless? I don’t know — they all apply, I guess.
I feel like I had a good system going at one point. So, I need to get back to that. It helped me get focused on what I needed to do for the day.
I need to remember that I’m running a business here. I can’t just run around willy-nilly doing whatever I feel like doing and not doing things because I’m not “motivated.”
So, lists and schedules.
Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness But…
…it sure as fuck does pay the bills and I don’t know anyone that is happy when they can’t pay their bills so, there’s that.
I have always said that the only ones that think that money doesn’t buy happiness are people that have money. There’s a certain amount of happiness that comes from knowing that your electricity won’t get cut off or that you have enough money in the bank to pay your mortgage/rent.
I’m not at risk of not being able to pay my bills. Don’t worry.
But I am still living off savings to a certain degree, and if I don’t get my shit together in the next couple months…before Christmas anyway…there’s a good chance that I will have to go back to a traditional job. And I’ll have no savings. Well, I will have savings because I have a certain amount set aside that I’m not allowed to use for living.
That knowledge stresses me out.
I do have some freelance/ghostwriting work, but it is not all consistent enough to depend on. I did a big ghostwriting job last month and finished it this month, but I haven’t got a new assignment yet and that stresses me a bit.
Did I not do a good enough job? Do they not have enough work? Should I start putting more effort into finding some more freelance work so that I don’t have to use my savings so much?
But if I take on too much freelance work, I won’t have enough time to work on my own writing, which was kind of the point of quitting my job. So, I likely need to get my head out of my ass and get more writing done for myself so that I can increase my income from my ebooks/Medium and not have to worry about freelance work.
Sigh. I hate money. But I need it.
So, that’s what’s going on lately.
I need to breathe. But days like this…I have a hard time catching my breath.