This week has not been an easy one for me. For the first time in my life I’m dealing with a lot of anxiety. I mean, everyone has anxiety at some point, but the past six months I’ve seen more and more of it and it has gotten bad enough that it is preventing me from getting work done.
I’ve always been one to think that with enough self-determination I can deal with it on my own. I accept that there are situations where one can’t deal with it on their own — I have just refused to believe that my situation was like that.
This week, I accepted that my anxiety is not just average, everyday, run-of-the-mill anxiety. At least not at this point in my life. I need help.
I made the call to our local mental health community centre and talked to the intake worker. That started the process. She’s setting me up with someone to talk to on a regular basis. It’s all on the phone/computer right now, and that works out well for me because I’m going to be home less than I usually am.
I’m trying to deal with it in a healthy manner. And I’m trying to accept that I do need help.
One of the things that has been causing the anxiety is money and work. As many of you know, I quit my job last June to put all my efforts into writing and making a living from that.
I have done ok. I have used some savings, but mostly I have been able to get by on what I earn. That’s a good thing.
That’s taken a toll on me though, because a lot of the time I have been writing things for other people and they are projects that don’t exactly thrill me. That makes it difficult for me to motivate myself to do them. And then I get behind and it stresses me out. Way more than my EDJ (everyday job) ever did. Ok. maybe no more. But just as much.
I have considered going back to work. But I know if I do that, I will just end up being mad at myself for giving in and I will sooner than later want to quit. So, I’m not doing that.
But forcing myself to do work I hate isn’t helping me any. I’m not getting any further ahead than I was a year ago because I’m not putting the time into my own work.
I’m also spending a lot of time here on Medium, writing short stories that aren’t making me a lot of money. I know it is possible to make thousands of dollars from writing the kind of stuff I write (don’t laugh — I know two writers of erotica that are making more than $2000 a month) but ultimately; I feel like it is a gamble.
Why? I know platforms like Medium. I’ve seen them come and go for twenty years now. Not just little ones, but big ones that people thought would be around forever? I don’t know if anyone remembers Squidoo, but it was massive and there were lots of writers making a decent living on their platform. Then one day we all got the email. Squidoo had been sold. Sure, some writers moved over to the company that bought Squidoo but it wasn’t the same. Most of them found other ways to use their writing to make money. Some of them quit the online biz altogether.
One of them, no names but she knows who she is if she reads this, moved to Amazon and fiction. Six months into her journey she was making more money than she ever made on Squidoo and her husband quit his job to be at home to help with the kids and to assist her in her new journey as an author.
What’s my point? Amazon and ebooks — they aren’t going anywhere. It’s highly doubtful, anyway. If by chance Amazon did close down, there are other ebook retailers that would quickly pick up the slack.
So, as much as I love Medium, I don’t feel like I can ever rely on it for a main source of income. I will continue to write short stories and articles here, but it likely is not going to be a daily thing.
After I finish these two projects that I have going at the moment that I’m not happy about taking on, I am going to commit to doing work that inspires me. I’ll continue to take ghostwriting project that I enjoy — especially short stories under 10,000 words. I have three of them in my queue and I am looking forward to doing those. If an ongoing job is exciting for me, I’ll add that to my schedule.
But my main focus is going to be my books. Ok — novellas in some pen name situations. But there are going to be books too. I’m getting better at writing longer, more fleshed out plots (thanks to the 5 novels I ghost wrote this past six months) and I feel like I am ready to get my first novel out there under my own name.
Under my Alicia Stone pen name, I think I will continue to write the lesbian/BDSM/polyamory books. Dirty Girl (my rockstar lesbian romance) needs a part two soon, and Sweetness and Submission (the lesbian BDSM polyam romance) definitely needs to be continued. The characters have been screaming at me to continue their stories when I sleep.
I really want to move into writing some menage/reverse harem/polyam stories under my Autumn Seave name. I’ve been working on what I think will become a novel, Keeping Kaili, off and on. I even published a story here based on the characters in the book, Making Babies on the Ranch, and even though it is not one of my most read books, I think it is a fun story that gives you a taste of the characters.
I also have a book that I’m hoping to get out before summer. It’s called Bachelor Beach, and it is reverse harem/polyam and it’s going to be a rom-com that takes place in a hot tropical location. I don’t even know much more than that but when I look at the cover (oh yes; I have a scintillating, delicious cover already made for it) I can’t wait to sit down and work out the characters and the story line.
Unfortunately, it does have to wait for a bit.
Ten days. That’s what I need to finish these two projects. Then I can move on.
Another nice thing is that when I make it to mid-April, I will have all my cats re-homed and I can start spending more time with JB. In fact, I will be making a partial move to his house. I’ll be spending about three-quarters of my time there. I’ll only be coming back to my house to clean and get it ready to rent out. And see my family.
Most importantly though, I will be getting ready to make a permanent move to live with JB and I am really excited about that. I will rent out my house and have an additional source of income. My expenses with JB will be lower (not the reason I’m moving in with him, but it is certainly a bonus) and I’ll feel less financial stress.
He lives in a city (a small one) so it will be so nice to have some options. Stores that I don’t have access to here. Restaurants (I love eating and the fact that there are only a handful of decent restaurants here makes me crazy). And people. New friends.
Oh! And the best part? Summer at the lake! JB has a trailer permanently parked at a lake. Beach just a short walk away. I can keep my kayak there and go for a paddle any time I want. Lots of places to walk. Swimming just because it’s hot and I need to cool down. Working outside. BBQ and bonfires and drinks.
I know that this past week I’ve been all over the place and my anxiety had been crazy, but I feel so much better now. Because it’s only 10–15 days and then everything is going to change.
I can do this. I just need to remember to breathe.