I have a million ideas of things I want to write about. But I can’t seem to settle down into writing one of them. I have crazy ass brain fog and I can’t figure out a way to clear it

It’s Partially Nerves

I’m all wound up because one of my partners — the one that makes my heart all a flutter — is coming to see me today. We haven’t seen each other since early February so it’s been some time.

I’m excited and I’m nervous and no matter what I try to do, the thought of him being in my house and in my bed keeps running through my mind. Will he want to sit and chat for a little bit after he gets here? Will he take me to bed right away? Is it going to be as good as I remember? Will I get all emotional like I have in the past (this is almost a given)?

He’s important to me. I think I’m important to him. But we’ve had…I don’t even know what to call it…in the past. Not issues, per se. More like differences. I’m emotional. He’s even keeled. He likes to keep his life in homeostasis. I’d like to, but with my high level of emotions, that’s pretty much impossible. I accept that. It’s not easy for him when I’m running all wild and free with my emotions though

I Hate My Job

It’s almost a daily thing. Something happens — and usually the smallest little thing — and I’m through the roof with job anxiety and a desire to just quit.

I know I can’t quit right now. I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be smart.

But I want to. So badly.

I’m Putting Too Much Pressure on Myself

Because of the hatred for my job, I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to write. A lot. And make money. Because the longer it takes to make money from my writing — money I can actually live off of — the longer I have to stay at my job.

My mind is constantly brewing up ideas for articles to write, articles I should pitch to online publications, stories that need to be written, writing jobs I should apply for.

As a result, I’m not getting anything done because I am putting too much pressure on myself. And it’s making me bajiggity. It’s an endless circle.

My Diet is Fucked and So is My Schedule

I had a couple weeks when I was doing really good. I was following my keto diet exactly. I was sticking to a schedule. I was writing every day.

Then I went back to work. I started getting my double-double Timmies again. I started eating sugar filled food. Fries and all sorts of shit. I stopped doing my vitamin/supplements in the morning.

I think the sugar really messes with my brain. It has my thoughts all jumbled up. I can’t focus on anything.

And once I got off the schedule for a couple days, I stopped being productive. I was just getting going.

Sigh.

I know I have to get back on it. My brain just can’t handle life without a schedule and those vitamins/supplements might have a lot to do with it.

This is why I didn’t want to go back to work. I don’t have a clear schedule and that really seems to not work for me at all. I have to find a way to be as scheduled as possible, yet not want to quit my job every damn day.

Maybe I need to just get off the computer for a while and do some housework. Or read. Or watch tv. Anything else would be more productive than this endless scrolling and tab flipping…